GAMERNEWS2023

Welcome to the new update thanks for stopping by, I’m Cums Quickly and this is gamernews…

XBOX game studios announced it would be shutting down with immediate effect and using all of the money to invest in deep water exploration. Employees, evidently afraid of losing their jobs have said in a joint statement, “This is good and I see no issues here.”

Nintendo has announced Mario will be able to suck his own dick in the new Super Mario game Super Mario: A Dick’s For Sucking. Asked about the announcement the lead designer on the game said, “Well, what’s he got down there? We all wanted to know, so we sent him a message super late at night and it turned out he was into it!”

Sony had addressed the controversy around their new game The Future And It’s Racist 3, saying simply “Fuck off.”

Devolver took to the stage with fifteen orphans with caps outstretched for the audience to put gruel or coins in, and said, “These are our indie game developers.” It wasn’t clear what their intention was.

Katya and Amin, both 6, and Daniel, 5, have announced ‘Rolling Down the Hill, Super edition’, at their local primary school. It’s due to be a rollicking adventure with customisable hill courses and styles of roll! Pick up your copy today from the school reception for only £79.99!

Angels and Demons author Dan Brown, also known for cracking the mystery of da Vinci, will be added to Dead By Daylight, Fortnite and Mario Kart 8 sometime this week.

Nintendo presents Kill, our reviewer Steve Cockhead takes a look: “They came up with the best way to kill someone. It’s pretty good. Now you don’t have to feel anything when you do it. Kill your mum, kill your dad, your dog even, it’s all there. To explain would be robbing the beauty of it, but essentially all friction is gone, except for that which is entirely necessary to give it a kind of, satisfying weight. They really did a good job with this one, really made it sing, not in an obnoxious way though.”

Aliens from the planet Gruhg announced on Thursday that they didn’t like the new God of War, or the new Minecraft update, or From Russia With Love on the PS2. The industry has yet to comment.

Canadian game developer OldSpiceTheMovie released the new game Hard To Shit: Too Hard Too Shittiest. It was played by fifty people in its first week of release. Congrats OldSpiceTheMovie!

The people at IdiotMedia have shut 7 game studios, this is very sad and we need to get all these people similarly precarious jobs right this second. Asked if this was a sign of global shrinkage in the gamer economy Paul Fuck told us this “Of course not, they just gambled poorly on grain stocks and so needed to cut their losses. 500 employees is nothing to a couple points on the DOW, know what I mean.”

After controversy surrounding their heads of office being dangerous to work with the leaders at PowerCultInteractive have imposed a self-regulated rule of ‘no harrassment for 30 days’. Thank god this industry is finally waking up.

New pride merch available in The Secret Invading Foreign Force: BorderWatch. Happy pride!

All other news can be found in the dumpster behind your local supermarket, I just set it on fire though so you better run quick.