the previous story about our efforts to excavate the remains of an arcade by the coast in southern england has been revealed as nothing but fiction. it’s been removed from the site.
the story of the cabinet game ‘Family Murder 5000’ uncovered there was a hoax. the idea of a cabinet that requires your spit to harvest your DNA is a clear lie. the choice to say this was ‘a pretty good idea for a game’ has been called into question and the author of that comment put into custody.
there was no SLAPPABLE HARRY THE JESTER’S ARCADE AND FUNCLUB on the beach at the town of Davisport and the town of Davisport was also not real.
The game found in the basement that let you talk and sexchat with the dead, ‘Deathline: Erotic Arcade’ never existed and there was no big sign for Coconut flavoured popcorn advertised by a topless lady giving you a cheeky grin.
There was never a lightgun game called ‘Shoot That Fucking Asshole’ and it would be weird if there was. The game did not involve you witnessing a succession of minor traffic accidents and then hunting down and murdering the people in the cars responsible.
Tickets at the fictional arcade could not be exchanged for anything, let alone fake vomit, real vomit (actually fake) and real vomit (actually real).
There was no strength tester, love meter or Day of your Death machines and if there was they wouldn’t say that you were weak, unlovable and going to die in a month.
None of what was written was true. the Arcade did not fall into a sinkhole on top of which another shop was built. the owner did not go to prison for installing peepholes inside the cabinets of games so they could stand inside and watch people play. there was never an outbreak of the plague associated with the site and it was not the place at which Margaret Thatcher was pelted with eggs in 1987, regrettably.
our sincere and deep apologies for reporting what was obviously completely fabricated and had no supporting evidence as the truth. we endeavour to do better and can only do so if you use your laser powers to detroy the satellite dish right above you, currently beaming out your location to the vast alien universe. do this, and we win.
brought to you by Americans For Americans.
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